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I woke up to this morning’s alarm with a jolt and a shot of pain through my head. Great thing waking up with a migraine. It really does set the pace for the day. Basically miserable.

Tracy Bonham expresses the way I feel best only 1/2 way through my day:

An angel wing is caught up in the tree
If you know what’s best,
Get the hell away from me.

.

Nausea, pounding searing pain, light and noise sensitivity, with nothing much to do but take pain meds and lay or sit down. Trying to push my way through the things that I must do and putting everything else on hold.
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Reading hurts my eyes, TV too loud no matter what I set it at and I’m hoping that I don’t throw up. So far so good though I’m never sure which is really worse: not throwing up and remaining nauseous or throwing up.

Chalk it up to another day lost for the most part.
Thanks Grandma for passing on that migraine gene.
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I’m a bit stressed out right now because of Mother’s Day. It’s the year anniversary of my mother’s passing the end of this month… I haven’t been at my best this weekend, all teary and angry. Missing my mom terribly.
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Still sorting through stuff and cleaning her house trying to figure out what to do with everything. House is a nightmare, can’t sell it as is, don’t have the money to fix it up and thinking too much about it on a good day burns holes deep into my brain. Feeling pressured, overwhelmed and in pain. Yay.
I suppose I should have expected a migraine but I didn’t.
.

Five minutes in front of the computer and I want to die.
So I’m going to lay back down again now.

Oh well,

Laura

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I’ve been helping my brother go through my mother’s things at the house.
There is a lot of cleaning to do and she kept old bills and other papers from the past 20 years it seems.
Then there’s clothing, canned goods and a lifetime of mismatched items in the house.
Which is oddly very much like my house where after 4 kids, my husband and I the house is full of choice items
acquired through thrift shops, yardsales, friends and family’s discards and purchased from exclusive stores like Ikea, Sears and Target. Mostly scratched, dented, chipped, nicked, glued or missing some part…

At any rate I still can’t seem to come to terms with this whole thing.
I’d rather not do anything at all in a way but it’s not possible.
I don’t like going through all her stuff. Honestly I hate it.
Yes, there’s sentimental value to some of it but the rest were the things she collected over a lifetime.

Someday my life will be put into boxes and sifted through, boxed donated and yardsaled. Sigh.
And perhaps some well worn item of mine will be bought by someone else and end up another day in another box.
Circle of life my friend.

All this rain in NY isn’t helping my dark mood today.
When exactly is summer coming? Windy, pouring, damp and unpleasant all day AGAIN.
Need some sun, need a lot of sun.

Picking out a picture of a Lotus Flower (Water or Pond Lily) from the images and drawings I have collected to place in the empty space between my mother and father’s names on the stone we picked out. It will take around five or six weeks for the stone to come at least that’s what I think they said. Then I guess they carve the names and dates on it.

I’m kinda forgetful, scattered in thought, discouraged and tired of everyone right about now.
I feel very unsettled about this whole thing still.
Still just numb…
I miss my mother very, very much.

Going to bed to hopefully catch some of that elusive sleep thing.
Doubtful on a normal night… tonight wind is whipping around house and still raining.
Yay.

G’night,

Laura
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My mother Ruth 1919-2009

My mother Ruth 1919-2009

On a few of the many nights I was staying with my mom this past month I brought my computer along.
I found for the most part this wrote itself over the course of a few very quiet periods in the wee hours of the night.
I’m still trying to get used to sleeping at night again. I keep picking up the phone to call my mom and talk then realize I can’t.
Writing is the one way I express myself, though mostly unpublished someday I hope I will finish one of the books I’ve got on my computer.
I tried to upload a word document but gave up after a while and added a page to my site just for the tribute.

If you want to read my feelings and thoughts please click on the page at the top next to “Home and Laura” titled “Losing My Mom.”
It is personal and I hope it brings her to life for just a moment in your mind.
I doubt I’ll ever stop missing my mother.

Laura

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This post really has nothing at all to do with the actual news today.
As an incurable news junkie I feel remiss because I can’t seem to watch any news right now.
I can’t seem to care.
Hard pressed to watch even the entertaining things like Jon Stewart, Colbert or even Bill Maher.
I can’t get angry at Obama, Limbaugh, or Dick Cheney. I truly want to but I can’t.
Haven’t watched the news consistently since about a week ago. Not at all in the past few days.
I miss it too. But when I put the news on my mind seems to wander off or shut down.
Who are all these people, what the hell is wrong with everyone and everything?
Where is the good news?

Back when I was hot and bothered by waterboarding, Congresswoman Foxx, swine flu, the economy, health care, bank bail outs and Pakistan I could talk for hours, now I have trouble concentrating on getting the mail or what I’m going to do about my car without any money. Just doesn’t matter.

What has happened that’s different this past week?
My mother is very sick and it looks serious this time.
Which I was dealing with as best I could until a few days ago.
Now I’m just numb.
And as far as I can see the world and it’s news will go on just fine without me as it always has regardless of my opinions.
Leaders will go on screwing big things up and fixing little things happily without me caring or watching.
It really doesn’t matter.

Maybe what I’m feeling isn’t really numbness, it’s the sheer utter terror of a child afraid of the dark disguised as numb.
Because somehow an “adult” can deal with numb.
Or can we?

I guess I’ll find out over the next few days.

I’ll leave O’Reilly and Olbermann to duke it out over the what they call the news these days.

A morning post that isn’t at 2am… an oddity for me.
Not sleeping all that well anyhow and yes, I do realize I’m tired, overwhelmed and probably depressed.
A very odd Mother’ Day for me.
And yet another long, long day on Long Island starts.

They say no news is good news but that really isn’t all that true is it?

Laura

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I’m not much of a computer/game platform player, I’m more a logic puzzle person. The last games I completely finished on my own were Myst, Riven, and I loved Time Lapse.

My sons tried to get me to play Gran Turismo but I kept running into things, spinning around, driving off cliffs and into oncoming traffic. I wasn’t doing it on purpose either, I just couldn’t race. I would start laughing so hard while trying to play I had tears streaming down my face and then I’d just get worse. I wouldn’t even be able to see the screen clearly which would make me laugh even more. Needless to say they gave up on me.

I also tried to play Tomb Raider because along with the action there are problems and puzzles to solve as you progress through the game. Alas right in the beginning you have to defeat wolves in order to actually get into the tomb to explore and I was killed every single time (I laugh a lot trying to play things like that). Once I got inside but then I was continually killed by a very angry bear. I gave up. I’ll never make a quick enough shooter for those types of games. I did get to help on the puzzles parts though which I enjoyed.

My favorite interactive game of all time is still The Neverhood put out by Dreamworks with clay scenery and creatures.
neverhood2
neverhood13
neverhood31

I loved every minute of that game and Klaymen rocked! As I said before I love puzzles. Neverhood’s claymation was wonderful and there hasn’t been any other games that could come close to it. The background music was fantastic and refreshingly different too. I think there’s actually a Neverhood cd of the music.

At best I sit watching others play through things like Silent Hill, Diablo, Halo and whatever game is the current one being played around the house in marathon fashion.

I stick to CSI type games where speed and dexterity isn’t necessarily going to win the game it’s thinking and piecing things together that saves (or solves) the day so to speak.

At any rate, I was given this game “The World of Goo” by 2d Boy for my mac and told I’d probably like it. It won a number of awards for best game so figured I’d see what it was like. I tentatively poked at it and found it became rather addicting. Some of the “levels” are hard and require some trial and error before you figure it out and I’m not great at physics of building bridges and things but it was fun and kept changing as you went. It’s fun and doesn’t hate you when you fail… you can redo, skip a little around, and there’s no time run down to stress you out.

The creatures (Goo) are unique and make little noises. There really isn’t any dialogue. The attributes of the Goo changes in different places and it’s fun to figure out what you have to do to progress along. Even I wished it was a much longer game so I imagine a real gamer who spends hours playing something would be done with it much faster than I was. I only worked on one or at most two puzzles at a time. This is a great interactive, people friendly game and quite interesting. It’s rated E for everyone though I don’t know that really young folk would be able to do some of the levels. The background music/ambience grows on you and the goo well it kind of giggles for lack of a better word. My only complaint was that the end came too soon and was a bit anti climatic but I still liked it.
world-of-goo1
world-of-goo-21world-of-goo-31

Again I’m not a gamer by a long shot but “World of Goo” was a lot of fun and not terribly expensive at all. Kindof like a wild version of living tinkertoys. You can download a free level or two online if you want to check it out at:
World of Goo game

I’m working on a game now on the Nintendo DS I borrow from Charl sometimes called “Broken Sword Shadow of the Templars.” It will likely take me a while since I rarely have the time or desire to play for longer than an hour here or there.
Try the World of Goo, it’s worth the time!

G’night,

Laura

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I’m a bit overwhelmed by the constant discussion of the economy woes and Obama’s economic stimulus package.
Every show today. Everyone talking, everyone has an opinion and no absolute solutions.
Not terribly helpful at this point… Too much money or not enough, too much spending or too little, too much tax break or too little. Too partisan or… AAAaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhh!!!

Just do something okay? Stop with the party politics.
Stop secretly (or not so secretly) hoping that it fails and you can jockey it into a republican battle cry to get some people elected. We were sick to death of the presidential election and it only just ended!
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WE and by we I mean the working class (remember us, you give us lots of lip service) with families to take care of, with mortgages, bills and jobs that we worry about, don’t give a rat’s ass which party you’re part of. We’re fairly sick of you both at this point. We (well, at least I ) would like a viable third party that isn’t either of you that would get rid of both outer fringes of liberals and conservatives. Good God we hardly get a break and you guys are fighting away happily.

You’re all hypocrites, tax evaders, liars… you make laws for us to follow and you break them all the time. Makes me sick at this point. Looks like we’re going to owe taxes this year.
Yay. Not sure where that money is coming from.

So, I’m a bit annoyed tonight as you can tell, so here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take a break tomorrow and then listen to Obama’s speech at night and see how I feel then.
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This is a photo of one of the people I love!
My son, who takes after my husband, will sleep through Armageddon if it ever happens.
He sleeps through the sun shining in his window and mom taking a flash photo.
Me? I wake up when someone sneezes lightly downstairs behind a closed door on the opposite end of the house.

Sleepy
Eighteen year olds look like angels when they’re asleep don’t they?

G’night,
All will be well
(at least that’s what I keep telling myself)

Laura
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Jealous of Eldest son that lives in DC… He went to the concerts at Lincoln Memorial today with friends!
Bruce Springsteen and all the others. :sigh:: Cold but it sounded like fun.

So two days left till Obama is officially the president of the USA and “Thanks for the  nightmares memories” George W. Bush.  BuhBye.

Haven’t found the time to watch the Meet The Press from this morning though I want to catch the Rohm Emanuel segment to hear (and see) what he says. 
Reason I’m behind on the news? It’s snowing on Long Island. 
I love snow. I have always loved snow and I likely always will love snow!
Went shopping before the snow and then this evening it was beautiful outside so I took my long walk as I always do.

walkinthesnow

 

 

Walking in the snow soothes my soul.  There are fields behind us all the way to the water that I walk.  It’s great for meditating on life out there.

 

 

When I returned from my walk this is what I did:

Laura and Friend

Laura and Friend

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight everyone,
Remember you’re never too old to build a snowman!!!
I’m hoping when my son comes home shortly we’ll have a snowball fight.
Probably won’t but not because I don’t try… lol

Laura

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