Well, it seems that I either have a bad cold or the flu at the moment.
I’m rather discouraged, quite congested, throat hurts and pretty achy. Ugh.
Very tired and easily upset. I feel like something that the cat wouldn’t even bother to drag in.
AAaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh.
All I seem to be able to think about today is how much I miss my mother.
Having her nearby kept me on a calmer path through life.
In many ways knowing she was there grounded me.
Having a bit of trouble getting that feeling back.
No one else seems to have that same effect on me and I’m not sure why.
I’m not even sure why I feel the way I do.
We weren’t as close as we could have been by a long shot.
Even though I never really took advantage of her shoulder to cry on,
I always felt that no matter what…
No matter how, where, when or even why…
She would ultimately be there for me if I really needed her.
In a true time of crisis she would accept me and help me.
As she did with others that I guess needed it more than I did.
I think it’s the possibility of going home if one needed to.
Now it doesn’t matter. Home would have been where ever she was.
She’s gone and for now my memory pains me.
I’m impatient, angry, sad, emotional and wishing I could hear her voice today. Tonight. Right now.
Wishing she would make me a huge pot of that homemade chicken noodle soup for the sick body and soul.
Instead I opened a can of generic chicken noodle soup and added water.
Adequate but not even close to what I wanted.
Feeds the body but not the heart and soul.
When everyone left to do what they had to do and I was alone, I cried.
I cried a lot today.
I know that she’s only been gone since May 30 and that it takes time to grieve.
Especially if you put it off and try to avoid it by doing things you have to do or others need you to do but…
I expect that my mother could tell you that putting yourself last isn’t always the best thing to do,
But she did it over and over anyway.
I also know she was very strong or at least always appeared strong… so no one accepted it when she wasn’t. At all.
I knew when she wasn’t more than anyone else.
I wasn’t fooled.
I’m not at all good at fooling myself either.
I miss you mom. I miss you one hell of a lot.
I hope I feel better tomorrow. Being exhausted and miserable surely isn’t helping.
Gonna make another cup of hot tea, take some decongestant and go to bed.
Need some sleep.
Tomorrow’s another day.
G’night
